Advice from an Experienced Resource Parent

Lisa Turcotte has been a Haven resource parent for over 11 years, opening her home to teens in need of safety and support. She is a consistent and vocal advocate for the children who have been in her care, and she does everything she can to provide the best possible support for them. Lisa has mentored many of Haven’s foster parents and has been a great sounding board to resource families as they begin working with Haven.

Lisa recently shared a letter that she co-wrote with a child in her care.

We are grateful for all you do, Lisa, to help children learn how to advocate for themselves. Thank you for sharing this letter, which can be a valuable resource for other children and families who are struggling with emotional dysregulation and its impact on their day-to-day lives.

To Whom It May Concern:

When I am escalated, I struggle with my words and often say things I don’t mean. I know you have to take everything I say seriously, and I am working on expressing my frustration and feelings in better ways. Even if I do have thoughts that would compromise my safety when I am upset, as soon as I calm down, I am usually able to push those thoughts away. Here are some ways of helping me calm down and regulate myself:

• Have me eat and drink something. My brain needs to be extra hydrated & nourished compared to other kids my age. The recommendation is that I eat and drink something every two hours. I lose track of time and sometimes I cannot easily eat or drink something during class, which means that I go past that mark. If I am allowed to, can I have a snack during class if I need to? Also, my mom will send Pedialyte popsicles to school to keep in the nurses’ freezer. These really help with my hydration and the temperature change helps to disrupt the negative emotions.
• Please close the door gently. Loud noises are especially startling for me.
• It helps to hear you empathize that I am struggling, but it doesn’t help for you to say you understand. I need your help to calm down with first telling me that you are sorry and here to help.
• Please don’t stand over me and talk to me. If you can, please sit level with me and ask me to look at you. I might even be able to breathe along with you or do the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise (instructions below). Once I am breathing more regularly, I can follow your words better and understand what I need to do, but please use small words and speak quietly to me. I need a moment to get the lizard to release control of my brain.
• Please offer me a pen or marker and paper to write on. My mom & I often use markers in different colors and take turns drawing random lines or objects on a piece of paper to help me regulate.
• I don’t like when strangers touch me. Please support me in other ways but not through touch.
• If there are choices to be made, offer me small, limited choices (two or three options, at most). Even something as small as whether I want a pen or a marker, or if I want water or juice/soda, etc. This helps me feel empowered but not overwhelmed. If I respond with “I don’t know,” that probably means I am really dysregulated and can’t make a decision. If you need to make it for me, just please tell me what was decided so I know.
• Fidgets really help when I am upset. I have at least one fidget in my bookbag, but I may not remember that I do when I get escalated. Please remind me and ask if you can get it for me. I also can fidget with my fingers or braid my hair.
• If it is possible, call my mom. Her phone number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. She will help you to help me. If I can facetime with her, it will be better because I am a visual person.
• Walking helps regulate me, but crowds trigger me.
• Please ask me to narrow down when something triggered me, with yes/no questions such as “was the first trigger today?” I may have been holding onto something from days earlier and that is what is really bothering me, but a minor thing happened today and my cup overflowed.
• I may not be able to answer open ended questions or even answer verbally. I can usually answer “yes/no” questions with a nod or shake of my head.
• Please understand that although I am 15 years old (or age of child) physically, when I am upset, I cannot process like a 15-year-old. I process like a younger child. I won’t be offended if you talk to me like I am younger than my age because you will be meeting me at my level at that time.
• If you are able to give me a clear list of people to go to in order that I should try to go to them, I will follow the order you give me.

My mom & I really appreciate that you are willing to work with us as I learn to navigate being in a mainstream school for the first time in years. It hasn’t been an easy transition, and we are still working on getting an IEP in place, but my mom says that I have made a lot of great steps forward in my mental health in the last 6+ months.

Thank you all for your support.

Sincerely,

Child’s Name

(with help from my mom)

Instructions for 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Exercise

• 5 Things You Can See: Notice five different objects in your surroundings.
• 4 Things You Can Touch: Identify four objects you can touch, such as your clothes, a chair, or a desk.
• 3 Things You Can Hear: Focus on three distinct sounds you hear, such as traffic, voices, or a fan.
• 2 Things You Can Smell: Notice two different scents in the air, such as perfume, coffee, or food.
• 1 Thing You Can Taste: Pay attention to any taste in your mouth, even if it’s just water or your own saliva.