Welcoming a Child Into Your Home
Welcoming your foster child into your home is not always easy for you or the child. It is important to consider the trauma or background they have experienced. We know that is incredibly difficult without knowing what the child has been through. Every child is going to react differently entering their foster home for the first time. It is important to be flexible, understanding, and try to view the situation from their perspective, while also making your home and family warm and comfortable for them. We want to give them options and an ability to have some control in their life.
When they first arrive to your home, come out smiling and be a welcoming face. Also, for younger children, kneeling down to their eye level before introducing yourself will make you seem less intimidating and may ease some of the tension. Do not have them them call you “mom” or “dad;” rather have them call you either “miss” or “mister” in front of your first name like “Miss Jane,” or just have them call you by your first name. If you have a nickname that your family uses, use that. Next, introduce the rest of the family. When walking them inside your home, see if they are open to holding your hand if they are younger, or for older children placing your hand on their shoulder to show reassurance, but be cautious at first. If they show a negative reaction to your touch, then remove your hand. It is important to ask children first before physical contact.
Don’t get frustrated if there isn’t a quick connection. It’s not personal and connections take time. You need to give the relationship an opportunity to grow in trust. You know your home is welcoming and inviting, but that doesn’t mean that is how they see it. The “glasses” they have on could make your unknown home look scary to their eyes, and the “music” playing in their minds could be scary. Children with trauma backgrounds have an enlarged amygdala, sometimes three times the size of other children. This puts them on constant alert for danger. What this means is that something that can seem very safe and welcoming to you can appear scary and dangerous to them. They are on constant lookout for things that could hurt them. With love, patience, and a connected parent, the child begins to trust and the amygdala begins to decrease in size, helping the child feel more safe and grounded in themselves and their surroundings.
Show them around your entire house, including the outside and back yard, and end the tour with showing them their room. Be sure to give them plenty of time to become comfortable with their new surroundings. Explain to them that their room is their safe place. Do this with children of all ages. Review the “norms” of the home. If there is time, take them to a local store to pick out a few items they can have for their room. This can make it more personal right from the start.
At nighttime, give them choices. Do they want to have a nightlight on? Do they want the bedroom door open? Can they see your room from their room? What do they do if they have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? Can they go on their own or should they get you? If they get scared, are they allowed to come to you? Take extra care at bedtime as fears and worries arise when there is no noise or distractions. Create a bedtime routine that they can depend on each night. This could look like bath, brush teeth, read a book, and then bed. The first nights might need some extra attention with soothing the child. Do they go to bed on their own or have someone sit with them? Do they have a stuffed animal or blanket that they want to sleep with? If not, offer them one they might like to sleep with. Older children like this too! Do they have a favorite book they like to read? Sound machines can be a great addition to a child’s bedroom for background noise as well.
It can be very helpful to create a sense of order and routine for the child, as children thrive on routine. They have an even greater need for routine after a traumatic event has taken place. Break down what this daily routine actually looks like. Use charts to show the daily schedules and make them age appropriate. Use picture charts for children who can’t read. Empowering children to know what is happening before it does can give them a greater sense of security. When the book comes after brushing teeth the first night, the next night as they are brushing their teeth they can think to themselves, “I know what’s coming next, a book!” This gives them a sense of control, a feeling of predictability, and safety.
Review the basic rules of the home. Keep them basic! Talk to your child and find out from them what the “norm” was in the last home they were in, whether that be their biological family or a previous foster home. What were some rules before that they were used to following? It’s important to remember that many children many have never had regular routines, bedtimes, etc. Many children may not know how to set a table, brush their teeth, shower appropriately, etc. Expect that you may have to repeat these directions multiple times, especially during the first few weeks and with younger children. Be patient and be consistent with your rules and your routine. Let your foster child know what to expect and always follow through on the things you say you will do. Children in foster care have been through a lot of upheaval and change. Consistency is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
When you leave the next morning, show them where you go to work if possible. Any absence from the child should be talked about in advance and explained. Talk through your morning routine at length. Consider having them draw a picture of where you go during the day. If the child is going to daycare, be ready to have a few days of adjustment for them.
If possible before they come, find out their favorite foods, foods they don’t eat, and of course any allergies they may have. It is always a good idea to ask if they have a preference for toothpaste, shampoo, deodorant, etc. Do they have a favorite show or song? This gives them a little control over their new world and can provide a small slice of normalcy when everything else is different. Try to ease the child’s transition into your home by incorporating some familiar routines, especially with cartoons/shows, music, and fun activities they may have done at home. Any kind of activity that has familiarity for them can be extremely helpful to their transition.
Remember, be patient, kind, and give lots of grace, to both you and the child. Find ways to connect as often as possible, as this will be your greatest gift to the child and their sense of safety. And enjoy the process- it’s hard, but it’s worth it.
